Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Unfiltered Honesty

Unfiltered honesty

I am not perfect, I have never claimed to be
I am flawed like the rest of you
I have deep scars, I have wounds that have never healed
Memories that make me paranoid
Sometimes I just don't know how to deal
I carry all this pain, bitterness and anger
It's often thrown at the wrong ones
I often have to check myself
And get myself under control
For I feel like lashing out too often to count
I have nightmares that haunt me while I'm awake
I'm affected by fatigue
But who the hell can sleep with the things chasing me in my dreams
I have lost relationships and friendships because I set out to find where I'm truly meant to be
In the deep recesses of my heart I long for things that I can't seem to attain
I would hate to settle for a man that simply doesn't love me the same way
The future scares the shit out of me
For I know not what I'm doing or where I'm going
I can't begin to wonder about who I can trust and lean on
I am deeply flawed
I am skeptical when it comes to things
I have to really think sometimes
Because honestly I hate to feel left out
I hate to be out of the loop concerning family and friends
But there isn't anything I can do about that
I try not to live in the past
But I feel like it's always in the present
I can't outrun the memories of my childhood
Because sadly it's what made me who i am
I bleed, I cry, I feel pain, I feel pissed off
I'm an emotional being
Sometimes I can't handle what I feel
I feel like I'm being caged
I just want my freedom
Unfortunately someone has the reins tightened on me
I wanna scream and shout
And not with joy
For my heart knows only pain and suffering
If I had the choice I would leave and disappear
I would be a lot happier than most
Life is so difficult
Sometimes I want to shed all my tears
Dealing with loss and tragedy
For five years strong
This pain is still harboring
Making me bitter and cold
They were taken too soon
I mask all these feelings I feel from those I love
To avoid their questions, their faces showing great concern and love
But no, I'm not fine
So I go on pretending till I can pretend no more
Until this wall comes crashing down and my cool front hits the floor
Then you will know the truth about me
I am not perfect, I have never claimed to be
I am deeply flawed
Like the rest of you